Grief is a label assigned to all the emotions associated in dealing with any kind of loss. These can include:
- Physical loss such as belongings, freedoms, abilities due to ill health;
- A loss in self-concept due to a change of role in life or a change of values;
- Loss of a personal worldview due to trauma, violence, victimisation which may lead to thoughts that the world is not safe or fair;
- Loss of personal dreams and ambitions;
- A change or loss of personal relationships due to moving to a new town, starting a new job, or a bereavement.
The Stages of Grief
The stages of grief were identified by the Swiss psychiatrist Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross as ways in which our emotional response to grief may manifest. The stages are:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Phases of Grief would be a more appropriate description of this process rather than Stages of Grief as it is generally accepted that we don’t go through these in a linear fashion (i.e. from 1 to 2 to 3 to 4 to 5), but travel through them in a cyclical manner after a bereavement (this is expanded on further in my blog about The Process of Bereavement and Grieving).
For example, one might feel that they have accepted (Stage 5) that the death of a loved one has taken place, but this may lead to feelings of anger (Stage 2) that they have to suffer this loss. This may lead to feeling depressed (Stage 4) due to to the loss of hope in how they will cope without the deceased. As this uncertain future without the deceased may be very difficult to face, it may lead to denial (Stage 1) that the death of their loved one has taken place (‘I can’t believe it’s happened’).
Denial
Denial is the mind’s way of protection oneself from what has occurred, or lies ahead, and prevents us from being overwhelmed by the weight of a bereavement. This can leave us feeling numb and longing for alternate explanations on the events surrounding the bereavement. In this way it avoids having to face the fact that the loss has occurred or is occurring.
Anger
Anger, along with guilt, is probably the most commonly debilitating emotion associated with grief. After a bereavement, anger can arise due to feelings of frustration over the of loss of control over events, feelings of failure, or feeling isolated.
Anger can also be an outlet for helplessness – that someone, somewhere could and should have prevented the loss – thereby acting as a mechanism of appropriating blame. Conversely, a person may become angry with themselves for not spending more time with their loved one before the bereavement.
Anger after a bereavement can also cause a person to question their belief system or their understanding of their place in the world – it may raise questions for them such as ‘Why was this allowed to happen?‘, ‘I’ve prayed every day and thought everything would be ok.’
Anger can also arise after a bereavement as questions of associated losses (such as loss of security, loss of future dreams) arise as time progresses.
Bargaining
Bargaining tends to happen before the bereavement, when the impending loss is approaching. A person may may attempt to bargain (e.g. with a higher power) to try and change events if they have not yet occurred, or to try and stop events getting worse.
Depression
Depression may arise due to feelings of helplessness and a loss of hope as there is the realisation that the loss is going to occur and it cannot be changed, or that the loss has already occurred.
Acceptance
Acceptance follows on from the realisation that the loss has, or will occur, and accepting the reality of the loss. Acceptance also involves a determination of how to proceed from this point forward.
Summary
Grieving after a bereavement is a normal, but not linear, process as the phases of grief are cycled through rather than completed in sequence. It can therefore be a confusing time for a bereaved person as these phases rise and fall, and then rise again.
The grief process can last up to at least two years and many grieving people will tend to oscillate between anger, guilt and depression during this process.
References:
- Burgo, J. (2012) Why Do I Do That? Psychological Defense Mechanisms And The Hidden Ways They Shape Our Lives. Chapel Hill: New Rise Press.
- Heyse-Moore, L. (2009) Speaking of Dying – A Practical Guide to Using Counselling Skills in Palliative Care, London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers
- Kubler-Ross, E. (2014) On Death and Dying. New York: Scribner.
- van Deurzen, E. (2002) Existential Counselling and Psychotherapy in Practice. London: Sage publications.
- iNLP Center (2020) Stages of Grieving: Take the Steps to a Resourceful Life.
